Pretend I'm wearing a tuxedo. And maybe uncorking a bottle of champagne. And I'm smiling. And there's music playing. And I'm extraordinarily charming. And, as long as we're flexing our imaginations, maybe I could be tap dancing too.

Because, you know, it's make-believe. What the heck, right?

My first comic book will be arriving in stores across the country in less than seven days. I'll have an advance copy in my hands in less than 24 hours. And, sure, I may not be able to cover my rent this month, but otherwise things are looking pretty frickin' good.

 
I have been told that the Scryptic URL will appear in the back pages of ArchEnemies #1, so I suspect that some of you may be reading this a week or two from now as your first introduction to me and to Scryptic and to Think Like Tomorrow.

So if I can take a moment to address these hypothetical, future readers:

A-hem.

First off, welcome, future readers! I hope you all have jet packs where you come from, but if not, don't worry. I'm sure they just got tied up in the post.

Second, allow me to introduce myself properly: I'm Drew Melbourne, the young idiot writer who either has SLIGHTLY MORE or CONSIDERABLY LESS industry experience than you do. Every couple weeks I post a new column here at Scryptic, in which I offer up dubious advice on how to write comics, backed up by evidence and anecdotes from my own highly idiosyncratic experiences!

And hopefully I'm funny.

I recently completed a five part series tracing the origins of ArchEnemies from conception to print. Here they are:

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V  
And now, um... I suppose I should talk about something new? Right. Here we go:

SOMETHING NEW
Here's a lesson about writing that starts out as a rant about the internet.

Almost anyone who knows anything about me knows I spend a LOT of time on the internet. Why? Because the outside world is full of sunlight and girls and responsibilities and scary things like that, and sure Millarworld might have some girls too, but I can always pretend that they're secretly forty year old truck drivers named Lou, and that kind of thinking makes me feel all safe and calm and happy inside.

One nutty thing about the internet is that you can always find someone who adamantly disagrees with you, no matter what your opinion is:

"The new series of Doctor Who is the best yet!" Nonsense!

"George W. Bush is an awful President!" Treason!

"House of M wasn't such a bad little story!" Double treason!

With all this constant disagree-ism, why hasn't the internet torn itself to pieces?

I now present, for your edification, every internet discussion about anything, ever:
 

EVERY INTERNET DISCUSSION ABOUT ANYTHING, EVER
A Short Film by Drew Melbourne  
INT. INTERNET - AFTER MIDNIGHT PERSON 1
YOU ARE SO TOTALLY WRONG!

PERSON B
NO, YOU ARE!

PERSON 1
Here is incontrovertible evidence that I am right and you are wrong!

PERSON B
Here is why your evidence is controvertible. Also, I am now going to say the word 'vitriol' for no apparent reason.

PERSON 1
SCREW YOU!

PERSON B
NO. SCREW YOU!

PERSON 1
I hope you know that every person on Earth, everywhere, agrees with me, except for you.

PERSON B
Oh, so SALES EQUALS QUALITY, now???

PERSON 1
Well... Um... You have your opinion, and I have--

PERSON B
MY OPINION IS THAT YOU SUCK!

PERSON 1
--mine. Um. I guess we're going to just have to agree to disagree.

PERSON B
I guess you're right. Who else can I fight with?

FADE TO BLACK
 

The internet hasn't torn itself to pieces because at the end of every argument, the two parties inevitably agree that they have an intractable difference of opinions and move on.

The good thing about these rules of disengagement is the disengagement itself. Otherwise, everyone would still be arguing over Green Lantern's (first) dead girlfriend or "The Clone Saga" or the true identity of "Writer X."

And what's bad about these rules of disengagement? Too many people seem to take them seriously. They honestly believe that neither side is REALLY wrong.

They believe that the quality of art is subjective.

"But, Drew!" you protest, "The quality of art IS subjective!"

No. No, it's not.

If you don't believe me, just read the title of this week's column again.

And think about this: You may enjoy getting slapped in the face by a French midget, but that does NOT make that experience "the best comic you have ever read."

I rest my case.

 

What? Still not convinced?

Then consider this: If you enjoy the slap-happy French midgets, and you read a comic about them, you will probably enjoy that comic more than the non-SHFM fans. To the degree that you're vibing on the SHFM content, you're NOT liking the comic because it's good or it's bad.

You're not responding to the comic-ness of it.

You may not like superhero comics, but that doesn't mean the latest issue of ArchEnemies (in stores April 5th!) is bad. Superhero-ness is a quality, just like SHFM-ness. As are realistic-ness and action-pack-ed-ness and features-talking-dinosaurs-ness.

Realistic, Action-Packed, Talking Dinosaurs is my favorite comic ever, but it's not the best by a long shot.

When you peel away all of those layers of -ness, you're left with what Emmanuel Kant referred to "the comic in itself." (My apologies if I'm misquoting; it's been a long time since my college philosophy classes.)

And what is "the comic in itself"? Well, if you're thinking like a comic book creator, that should be an easy question. It's all the stuff that we try to get better at over time.

For the artist, that means pacing and clear storytelling and perspective and conveying tone and mood and movement.

For a writer, that means clever dialogue and pointed characterization and resonant themes and well-structured plots.

For letterers, it means not spelling things wrong.

These are the elements of craft. These are your tools that allow you to create a compelling comic regardless of whether your audience prefers dinosaurs or superheroes or short people from France.

If you're serious about making comics, then you need to get out of the comfortable fan zone of "everything is subjective."

Does that mean you'll never have another argument about comic books ever again?

Of course not. You might pick up a comic like Warren Ellis' Nextwave and throw it down in disgust because of its paper think characterizations. Another creator might read Nextwave and dub it a triumph of tightly-plotted action-adventure storytelling.

A creator in the vain of David Lynch might argue that anything other than a slavish devotion to mood (and possibly to slap-happy French midgets) is folly.

And those are good, productive debates to have. Mostly. But at the end of the day, you're done arguing, and you're back to the business of creating art. You're developing specific skills, and you're working to get better and better.

You need to be able to critique your own work, and you need to be able to OWN that critique. You need to KNOW what's good and what's bad.

Repeat after me: "I'm right. You're wrong."
 

Now who's got an imaginary cork screw?
 

Drew Melbourne is a freelance writer living in NYC. The first issue of ArchEnemies, his debut comics series, will be on stands April 5th. If it is April 5th or later as you're reading this, please drop everything, run to the comic store, and pick up a copy now. If you've already bought a copy, pick one up for a friend. For more on Drew, read DrewMelbourne.com. For more on ArchEnemies (including pre-order information, previews, and upcoming appearances) check out the official website at ArchEnemiesOnline.com.