Part the First. Part the Second.

And this week, we rewrite. Let's make it seem important:

REWRITE
And, of course, it is important. Writing something and never revising it is like stopping a marathon halfway through because that first part was "good enough."

Here's a new draft of "The Long Thaw":

--
"THE LONG THAW"

PAGE 1 - 6 Panels

P1.1
Angle down, close, on a boy's hands, awkwardly trying to carve through a thick steak with a knife and a fork.

BOY (from off-panel)
...AND THEN TOMMY SAID, "BUT I ATE IT FIRST!"

P1.2
As P1.1, but an adult man's hands reach into frame, with separate knife and fork, to help. The boy's hands pull back as the adult cuts into the meat.

ADULT (from off-panel)
LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT, SAMMY.

SFX
KNOCK KNOCK

P1.3
On JACK WALTERS (the adult from P1.2) as he looks up from the table towards the front door, off-panel.

Jack is in his mid 40s. He has a thick moustache and a receding hairline. He wears a dress shirt, a tie, and glasses. And he looks nervous.

WIFE (from off-panel)
JACK? WERE YOU EXPECTING SOMEONE?

SFX
KNOCK KNOCK

P1.4
Wide shot. The Walters Family dining room.

Jack's WIFE sits on the far left, a fading beauty in a pink blouse. She senses something is wrong.

On the far right, Jack is getting up out of his seat, wiping his mouth with a napkin. He is already heading around the table towards his wife. Jack is clearly worried, too. He does not make eye contact with his wife. His attention is still focused on the front door, off-panel.

Between them sit their two children: SAMMY, a ten year old boy, and MEGAN, a five year old girl. The table is covered with food, and the two eat greedily, oblivious to their parents' interaction.

WIFE
HONEY. YOU DON'T--

SFX
KNOCK KNOCK

JACK
I'LL GET IT.

JACK
IT'S... IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING.

P1.5
In profile. Jack stands facing out the open front door to our left. He stands in shock, listening to someone just outside (and out of view).

VOICE
I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU LIKE THIS, MISTER WALTERS. TO BOTHER YOUR FAMILY.

VOICE
BUT WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME, AND THERE'S A WRONG I NEED TO SET RIGHT.

P1.6
As P1.5, but Jack begins to back away, obviously frightened.

VOICE
TWELVE YEARS AGO, YOU HIT A LITTLE GIRL WITH YOUR SEDAN.

VOICE
YOU GOT A GOOD LAWYER. THE JURY FOUND YOU NOT GUILTY.
 
 
PAGE 2 - Panels

P2.1
Wide shot. A blue energy beam shoots through the doorway, hits Jack in the chest, and send him flying backwards across his living room, frozen solid.

P2.2
On WINTER WITCH, a mature superheroine in white, stone-faced, with hands glowing blue.

WINTER WITCH
"NOT GUILTY." THIS MORNING THAT MEANT SOMETHING TO ME.

P2.3
Jack's Wife and children huddle over his frozen body, half-shattered on the living room floor. The family is all wails and tears.

WIFE
OH GOD! WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY HUSBAND?

P2.4
Profile. Tight on the Winter Witch's right eye, narrow and focused.

WINTER WITCH
FOR YEARS, I COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO FEEL ANYTHING.

WINTER WITCH
I WAS WORRIED THAT I'D FORGOTTEN HOW.

P2.5
Profile. Tight on Jack's Wife's left eye, staring back towards the Winter Witch, off-panel. Jack's Wife's eye is full of hate and tears.

WIFE
I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL, YOU BITCH.

WIFE
I HOPE YOU MELT.

P2.6
Tight on the Winter Witch's eyes. A tear drop forms out of her left eye. Leave space to her left (our right) for the word balloons.

WINTER WITCH
IT'S TRUE. YOUR GODS FAILED YOU TODAY.

WINTER WITCH
BUT DON'T FORGET, ONCE UPON A TIME...

WINTER WITCH
...YOU FAILED US FIRST.

P2.7
Tight on the tear, luminescent, rolling down her cheek.
--

Note that there AREN'T a lot of changes between the first and second draft. Some panel descriptions are tweaked. Some of the dialogue is rewritten. But it's essentially the same story.

Should I have done more? Maybe. But at a certain point you have to let go. There's a limit to how much time you should be spending on a single two page piece, especially when you have other deadlines.

What's important is that I addressed my main concern with the first draft. The ending, while maybe still not being flawless, at least connects with the essential concepts I was trying to address in this piece.

We have a woman who has denied herself grief ("For years, I couldn't bring myself to feel.") and devoted herself to the law ("'Not guilty.' This morning that meant something to me."), but now that everything is coming apart ("Your gods failed you today.") she just wants to feel something one more time. Perhaps it took a violent, horrible act like Jack's murder to free her to feel the grief and regret she expresses at the end?

Again, on it's own, not THE VERY BEST THING THAT HAS EVER BEEN WRITTEN EVER, but remember that this isn't meant to stand on its own. It will be one brief story out of dozens, and each of these mini-stories will play off each other, suggesting alternate points of view, adding new detail to the world, etc.

So "The Long Thaw" might be sad, but the next one could be a very funny story... about the end of the world.

Okay, the next one probably wouldn't be funny, but it might be -- I don't know -- heartwarming.

For those wandering, no, I don't plan on being the world's greatest comics writer for several decades now. Take your potshots while you can.

This whole "Last Hour" project shows some promise, so I'm going to keep working on it, but don't expect to here anything specific for a little while. Ideally, I'd like a different artist on each segment, and that'll take a long time to coordinate.

That's it for this week. Short column I know, but expect big news soon (as in not next column, but the column after that) on the ArchEnemies front.

2006 is going to be BIG.