|
Written by Jeffery Stevenson
|
|
Friday, 31 December 2004 |
Okay, we're on our way with this editing series, and the selections for the next part are listed below. Please send an email to darkora [at] darkora.net with the first page of script for your selected story (or the full script if you want to ensure you don't have to email anything else over the next few weeks). I've provided comments on the one-line pitch provided for each of the selected entries, but before we get to those, let's discuss some overall notes on these one-line summaries/pitches.
- Don't assume an editor, publisher, agent, or Hollywood exec will automatically know the genre by context. If they run with your pitch expecting a comedy and get a supernatural thriller, they might feel like they've wasted their time (especially if they're specifically looking for comedies). So, always be upfront about the genre...even in the one line pitch.
Party Crashers is a supernatural buddy comedy where federal grant-funded lesbian goth girls wage war against the undead to reclaim all the good nightclubs and coffee bars.
- Don't be too vague. I'll discuss some specifics below, but when you're pitching a story for someone to publish, you want to give them as much information as they'll need to answer the biggest question on their mind...will this sell? It gives them a feel for what kind of market it's geared towards and how they can push the marketing for that project. Would you prefer a coffee mug or a 32 oz monster coffee mug with a caffeine molecule imprinted on it? Would you prefer a car or a fully loaded Cooper Mini with iPod and satellite radio? Don't be stingy with the details. It doesn't mean you have to get overly wordy with the pitch, but you can add just enough detail to relay the story and its own distinctive feel and style.
rcosgrove (Richard Cosgrove)
Raptor issue 1 (24pg comic, 6 issue series)
The violent superhero Raptor is hunting the demonic Baba Yaga - but there is no Baba Yaga or any superheroes, so the police must stop this disturbed teenager before he destroys himself.
With one line, you start off nicely establishing the mood of the piece (the word "violent" gets the point across quickly enough), and you establish the conflict to let us know there's at least something going on with this story. Try to make sure you keep it active though and not hinder that conflict...you can easily replace "is hunting" with "hunts" to ramp that up a bit (and every little bit counts when you're pitching a story to get an editor or publisher's attention).
The last part of this sentence--"this disturbed teenager"--could cause some confusion since you didn't mention any teenager prior to that...just Raptor and Baba Yaga (so it's not truly clear if "this disturbed teenager" is referring to Raptor or someone else). With the "there is no Baba Yaga or any superheroes," you hit another minor stumbling block with clarity. Is there no Baba Yaga or superheroes because they're dead or a fabrication of an insane mind or something else? You mention a "disturbed" teen, which points us in the general direction of insanity, but it almost feels like you're trying to be a little cryptic about it at first glance. When I read it again, it felt like it's all in this teenager's head, but the way it's phrased leaves it up to assumptions. Here's just a quick example to show some of these comments in action (based on the assumption that the delusional superhero world is the result of the teenagers insane mind):
Raptor is a dark fantasy thriller where the violent superhero Raptor hunts a demonic supervillain, but this dark world of superheroes is just a fabrication of a disturbed teenager the police must stop before he destroys himself.
ClosetElvis (Jason Rodriguez)
Impossible Outcomes - Issue 1 (22 Pages)
Darryl Wood has a voice in his head that knows everything - but he discovers that the voice doesn't just speak to him; it also speaks to a society of people bent on changing humanities pre-destined path.
In pitches (especially short ones), names aren't really important unless the character's name is in the title. You can refer to the character by name in longer pitches as you get rolling along, but there's no real need to get too heavy into names (last names can even be left out). [I'll discuss the name subject a bit more in the next summary/pitch.]
You establish an interesting premise, but you don't establish any real challenge for the characters. What's at stake for him? Does he have to stop this society? Did he get this voice by accident and now they want to eliminate him before he can warn the rest of the world about them? There's nothing here for him to really succeed or fail at...so why should someone care about following his story? Take the concept and make sure the person reading/hearing this pitch knows something happens in this story. Without that challenge or conflict, you have a guy that has an omniscient voice in his head on one side of the room and a society of people with this same voice bent on changing the future on the other...just like an old-style school dance with no interaction between the two sides of the room to liven things up.
And a quick spelling note...it should be "humanity's" since making it plural like that would refer to human attributes/qualities or that area of learning involving philosophy, arts or languages...instead of the definition of humanity that means "mankind."
Ugga Bugga
Intergalactic Wrestling Federation. 26 pages (First issue of ongoing series)
The Intergalactic Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Championship of the Universe is up for grabs in an over-the-top rope battle royal, as commissioner flypaper stripped Beeker Banjo of his title.
Now, with an ongoing series, will there be any particular recurring characters that the story will focus on? It sounds like a big "battle royal," but there's no clear impression whose viewpoint we'll get on this. Will it follow a specific underdog up-and-comer? Will it follow a group of friends in this brouhaha as they strain their relationships for a shot at the title? There's no real perspective for how the story will unfold based on this. You list the commissioner (Is "flypaper" his name?) and Beeker Banjo, but it doesn't really seem like they will be major players in the story (the pitch makes it feel like their part of the story is over by the time this series starts). You don't have to be specific with the characters..."an up-an-coming wrestlers finds himself outmatched when he joins the battle royal to claim the recently vacated Heavyweight title" or "friendships turn ugly as wrestlers compete to claim the Heavyweight title." Wrestling (at its heart) is about the wild, colorful characters. Be sure to splash some of that into the pitch to let them know they can expect wilder and more colorful (alien) characters in your story (if that's the case).
Also, you leave out some details that could change the intensity of the pitch. You could provide some more details on why the current champion was stripped of his title (and you don't have to mention him by name...unless they're in the title, the names of characters in pitches will be easily forgotten--people have enough trouble remembering names of people they meet in person, so think of how quickly a name in a quick pitch will be forgotten). You could also ramp up the consequences of the story. Is there more to the story than just fighting for a title? Is there an aging wrestler in the story and this is his or her last chance at the title before retirement? Is there a character with a hidden medical condition that puts his or her life at risk in the ring? Are there interplanetary bookies with a lot riding on this event...and some wrestlers on their payroll?
Just take this concept of Heavyweight Champion of the Universe and provide enough information to engage the reader a little more. Give the person that thinks the concept could be hit-or-miss a look at the actual story behind the concept, so they have the information they need to make an informed decision (and to give them a better idea of your proposed execution of the concept).
Graymalkin Lane
An EPIC proposal from days of old...
"DOC" (22 page monthly)
Super powered beings lie on his couch and bare their souls, but when Doctor Leonard Samson is forced to confront his own inner demons, the term "self-help" takes on a dark and twisted meaning.
Hasn't Doc Samson already encountered some struggles with his own psychological turmoil? If not, it's a very simple reversal technique that dozens of people might have pitched to Marvel. What sets this apart from any of those...the dark and twisted meaning? If you have some intriguing concept for the character that will set your idea ahead of the rest of the pack, don't hold back on letting the person you're pitching to know about it (and let them know in the first sentence to hook them and get them excited about reading more).
You have some conflict in this, but the "inner demons" keeps it pretty vague. What does he confront and what are the repercussions if he doesn't deal with the problem? Is it bottled up rage that could send him on a mindless rampage through the heart of the city? Is it an empathic mirroring of his patient's problems that would eventually destroy his career? It's too vague right now. Yes, you can expand on it more if you have a paragraph or a page, but you should be able to give a better idea of his problem and what's at stake if he doesn't resolve it in that first sentence. You don't have to get incredibly specific with this line, but you don't have to skimp on the details either...throw out the juicy stuff they'll remember when they finish reading.
Act of Thought
Echidna Prep: (22 pages - 1st issue of ongoing series)
Echidna Prep, the world's most exclusive boarding school, has three kinds of students: rich, smart and violent; when this mix is stirred by a faculty with questionable goals, how will the students survive?
Echidna? The mother of Cerberus, the Nemean Lion, Chimera, Sphinx, Ladon (?) and Hydra (?)...or that strange Australian porcupine anteater? :)
Are there really three completely different and separate kinds of students at this boarding school? Is a student excluded from being rich and violent? Smart and violent? Rich, violent, and smart? It seems like there would be some crossover there...especially at an "exclusive" boarding school where almost all the students would be rich.
You also end your one-line pitch with a question, but that might lead the person reading or hearing it to one further question...what do they need to survive? You don't establish anything too challenging to the students for them to survive aside from some violent students and faculty with questionable goals. What are those goals? Exploit the students' violent streaks for profit? Run crazy experiments on the students to turn them into monsters? Again, there are some possibilities with this pitch, but it could be stronger with more details thrown in. If you're pitching to someone to publish the story, just be sure to let them know what those questionable goals are, what the students have to survive, and what are the consequences if they don't?
Next week...a review of the first page of these stories.
|
|
