Let's get one thing out of the way: Fuck this shit.

Now that we've dealt with the preliminaries, let me tell you the biggest challenge I have creating comics: It's damn near impossible to write a comic book that my mother is going to read.

My mother, bless her heart, supports the fact that I want to write comics for a living. For the most part, she tells anyone and everyone where to find my stuff, how to get it and to get it in mass quantities. There are copies of Ninety Candles and 9-11:Emergency Relief sitting on her breakfront at home and she proudly displays them to anyone who walks through the door.

Here's the problem, though: I've written about four or five more stories and upcoming books that she may never read.

Like House of Twelve #2, for instance.

The House of Twelve is a gang of cartoonists here in New York City that get together once a month for a jam session in the back of McCarthy's Bar on 20th and 2nd. Granted, I have not had the time to head down there lately, but I do count it as one of my guilty pleasures. A little booze, a little comics and a lot of bullshit. The way it works is that someone begins a story with a single panel and then passes it along to the next cartoonist who must continue the story y heightening and expanding. Many of these jams proceed south, however, and rather than ending up with the next Conversation, we end up with the most vile, perverse pirate fucking story we can muster.

I blame the beer. And the countless hours of porn we watch.

Several members of the House of Twelve have gone a step further and have created anthologies that are sold through the Direct Market, also filled with dick, fart and anal jokes. Some have clowns in them. Each anthology has had a theme - the first was religion, the second science fiction and the latest, filth (hardly a stretch from the monthly jams). Issue 2 contained a short story from yours truly. The book is filled with sex, violence and cursing... and I'm pretty sure I'm never going to set foot in the front door of my parents' home with it.

And there are other books I've done. Short stories for True Porn and "Smut Peddler", an internet organized zine. An upcoming ongoing "Authority-style" superhero book at Image. All filthy, filthy, filthy.

I tend to curse. I do it in my column, I do it in my blog and I sometimes do it in my comics. I think I have one comic with my name on the cover out of four coming out this year that doesn't have cursing in it. Sometimes I do it for effect, other times for laugh. But many times... I just do it for the sake of the story, Same thing goes with sex and violence. I'm not a violent guy per se, and though I talk a good game when it comes porn, I'm probably less freaky than your average Jewish comic book writer. But pick up a copy of Ursa Minors! when it comes out this year and you might find yourself saying "who are you kidding, Kleid? You're one twisted Yidster."

But why? Why loose my potty mouth on the precious and fragile minds of the comic book readers of the world when a) it will probably affect my sales and b) my mother will disown me? Why tempt fate, right? Aren't kids for comics and shouldn't I be shooting for that 'G' rating?

Fuck that.

Sometimes, I find, that one of the hardest questions a writer can ask him or herself is 'how much should I sacrifice for the sake of society and sales?' When a writer crafts a story - and I'm not talking a work for hire story which might have known rules and regulations going in. I mean, if you're writing a Spiderman story, don't have him swinging through New York flipping the bird at Daily Bugle signs and cursing a mile a minute. Show Vicki Vale's panty covered ass, sure, but steer clear of writing her sliding it down the Batpole if you know what I'm saying.

And I know you do.

I'm talking about creator owned type stories in which anything goes. Ask yourself whether or not there should be a moment where you consider 'well, what will the neighbors think?" or be damned and say "I'll be damned but I'm gonna write this robot midget porn scene the way it's meant to be seen - with lots of chicken lube"!

Many writers these days are saying yes to the latter. Warren Ellis, of note, tosses giant musical penises (penii?) into an alleged "romance" book and is unafraid to slather the landscape with everything from shiteyes to fucksticks. Andrew Dabb is writing Vaistron, a book that has no trouble beginning its long and twisted tale in a whorehouse where the protagonist gets shot through the head as a very young girl and lives to work alongside a sex-obsessed robot. Why?

Because it fits the story.

I'm currently working on an ongoing superhero series for an Image imprint that is intended for mature audiences. At the outset, I was told to let my freak flag fly and swear where I may. So I did, using curses and porn and excessive violence only where it enhanced the story. And at first, the editor and publisher both cringed until I reminded them that hey, this is a mature book and this is how the characters would talk. The book is also supposed to push the envelope when it comes to political correctness so earlier drafts contained a boatload of slurs. Again, this made the powers that be shrink away... until I reminded them that these slurs and curses were there because they fit the characters, fit the story and fit the overall landscape of the series.

Should I have been the one to back off? I felt that certain scenes needed a well-timed "shit" and other scenes needed to be rawer for the type of book they're going for.

It fit the story.

Second personal case: In Brownsville, my upcoming 1930's Jewish mafia graphic novel, I wanted to match the street corner patter and gangster banter as close as I could so I read a lot of books, studied transcripts and watched a lot of movies. Now, hoods being hoods, these guys liked to curse. I mean, it was incessant. So naturally, the cursing stayed in the story. When I showed some early pages to friends and colleagues I got a bit of flack for it. My opinion is, of course, that the cursing was integral to the book if I wanted to stay true to the story. True to the tone.

You can't write a story in a whorehouse without having a whore. What's the point of entitling a six page story "Tourette's the Ape" unless there's going to be some motherfuckingcocksuckinggoddamnballs!balls!balls! cursing?

Now, with this comes a lot of responsibility, Uncle Ben. When crafting an adult story, don't just drop the F-Bomb for the sake of getting better parking. Curse where you need to and show us some tits if it's art, you know? Just because you've got the forum and you're going to use it, doesn't mean you should use it gratuitously.

One of my favorite Saturday Night Live bits is the Penis sketch. In it, the characters constantly and deliberately say the word "penis" over and over just to see how many times they could fit it into the sketch ("Hey, Bob - NICE penis!"). South Park did the same thing, I believe, with the word "shit." Once, when working with my improvisational comedy troupe, I was asked by the coordinator of a show to tone down the cursing a bit for that particular audience. This, of course, led to three of us explaining that as we were asked not to swear, we were going to get it out of the way early and then proceeded to fire off five minutes of the greatest curses our little minds could create.

Because it was funny, you know? Even if some of you out there think I'm immature. Sometimes the situation calls for tact and taste and sometimes it's time to unleash the expletives. Sometimes Tony Soprano is a family man and sometimes he's nailing the one legged blonde on his uncle's sofa or cursing at the local Rabbi while bitchslapping him in a hotel lobby. Sometimes your erotic cartoon story is a tender little love poem between two lost lovers in Middle America and sometimes it's a Josh Simmons All About Fucking sex marathon and thank god because that's what the story calls for.

Sometimes you just have to fuck that shit and be damned with the consequences.

No matter how many times your mother asks you "So, what? You stopped writing?" because you haven't shown her a book in a year.

Sorry, mom. The muse calls for cock right here, so that's what I'm giving it.

Now please avert your eyes.

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BIG POND is a collective column that begins with ideas and continues with opinions. Each column focuses in on my musings about writing for the comic book, film and television industry and then gives way to opinions on the week's topic by a diverse group of writers.

This week, we're joined in the pond by naughty, naughty writers Andrew Dabb and Dan Taylor, writers who when I mentioned this column was going to be about sex and cussin', jumped at the chance to add their two cents. Here are their thoughts on this week's topic:

Andrew: "I agree with everything Neil just said.

"Okay, every story has rules. Obvious, but true. Sometimes those rules are handed down from above by the person who's paying you to write said story (Example: Don't make Snake Eyes a heroin addict), but most of the time the writer is imposing rules on himself. And rules are a good thing. Too often you hear a writer or publisher say that in his comic "ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN!!!", but that's a lie. If you indeed did have a comic where anything could happen it would quickly become the most boring, pointless thing ever because there would be no repercussions--no continuity. Rules allow you to define your story and your characters, and create expectations (genre-based or otherwise) which you can then either rise to or undermine. A good writer goes into any work with those rules in mind; a bad writer will discover them along the way...and also discover he's now got to re-write half his script.

"Even Vaistron, which is by far the most out there thing I've ever written, has rules. For example: Later in the story, our main character, Gabby, falls two miles straight down and survives. As I initially wrote this scene, it was very Wiley Coyote-esque, with her slamming into buildings, bouncing off of flagpoles, etc... I thought it was hilarious. When I got notes back from the artist, he hated that scene, HATED IT. He didn't see how Gabby could survive that kind of fall, and we exchanged several heated e-mails on just that topic. In the end, I had to admit he was right. See, Vaistron is a place where there are headless cultists, women having sex with genitalia-less robots, and flying cars. But it's also a place where if someone slams into a building, they die (which in a lot of ways make it more realistic than most of what's coming out from Marvel right now). I had forgotten that--I had forgotten the rules--and fortunately the artist called me on it.

"To bring this back on topic, once you have your rules stick to them. If your character would say fuck, have him say fuck. If your character would be racist, have him be racist. Don't censor yourself in hopes of bringing in a wider audience because, more than anything else, readers respond to quality; and if you're not doing your best, or you're holding back, they'll know.

"Oh, one final thing. I would like to dispute the statement that Neil talks a good game about porn. I have talked to Neil a lot, mostly on IM, and occasionally our discussions have strayed to the erotic arts, and let me tell you know, he knows NOTHING about porn. Seriously, Neil couldn't tell the difference between Jesse Jane and Jessica Jaymes. It's a little sad really."

Dan: "Alright - show of hands. Who else gets a bit more excited when at the very beginning of say Family Guy or The Simpsons the TV Parental Guideline Rating is displayed at it is either TV-PG or TV-14? And that excitement is even elevated with certain added letters - such as in the case of TV-PG, a "V" means moderate violence, an "S" means some sexual situations, an "L" signifies some infrequent coarse language, and a "D" warrants some suggestive dialog. Now, when we're talking TV-14 (my favorite), a "V" will feature some intense violence, an "S" will get me some intense sexual situations, an "L" means I'll hear some strong coarse language, and a "D" means I get to enjoy intensely suggestive dialogue. Now we're talking.

"Wait a second. Let me back up a bit. When I said "excited" I didn't mean excited in the sense of being aroused. I just meant that odds are I was going to enjoy the program more than usual. Why? Because I think cartoons with mean violence, naughty language and nasty sex are funny. (Though I will admit to the readers of this column that I am strangely attracted to Lois from Family Guy. I'm not sure what it is about her - maybe it's the prominent nose, the unique voice... Or, maybe it's... Whoa! I gotta get back on track here.)

"But, I don't necessarily feel the same way when it comes to reading and/or writing comic books. As a reader I don't need violence, sex, and blue language to further my comic book reading enjoyment. If the writing is good and the story is engaging or entertaining then it doesn't need to rely on the crutch of "controversial" or "taboo" subject matter. You don't fix what ain't broke, right? Now, to be honest, I didn't pick up the first issue of DC's JSA Classified because of Geoff Johns' writing - it was because of Power Girl's rack. (No offense intended to Mr. Johns. It was a good read even without all of the violence, sex, and cussing.) But, in most cases I'm not going to pick up a title just because of the abundant T&A, the gratuitous violence, or cursing and swearing.

"For the record, I am no prude. I can fuckin' cuss the shit up like any other asshole. And I've got a very - almost too - healthy libido (probably more than you ever wanted to know about me) and dig sex - really dig sex. But, I'm not a violent guy. The only bar fight I was ever involved in resulted in me trying to catch a flying fist with my left eye and then spending a few moments unconscious.

"Now, how do I use violence, sex, and cussing in my comic book writing? As a writer of a comic book that is based in a bar & grill it would seem natural for any of those three, if not all three, elements to come into play. But that's not what Hero Happy Hour is about - it's about superheroes unwinding after a busy day of saving the world and defending justice. Could I have written Hero Happy Hour with more violence, sex, and cussing? Sure. And, it might have been an entertaining read, but it wasn't the tone that I wanted to set. Hero Happy Hour does have a bar fight, some flirtation between characters, and a handful of PG cuss words - but that's about it. I've got a subtle dick joke in the first issue, and a not so subtle boob joke in the second. (Okay, there is a subtle reference to the "C" word in issue two as well - but I don't actually use the word.) I didn't intentionally set out to write a book that refrained from taking chances by avoiding violence, sex, and cussing. I just didn't feel that there was a need for any of those elements. And quite simply, should any story or script contain anything that it doesn't need?

"I also had the pleasure of contributing to Hoarse and Buggy Productions premiere issue of Western Tales of Terror. I wrote a story about a gunslinger's luck that was about to change. At only five pages there wasn't a lot of room for anything gratuitous - be it violence, sex, or cussing. But the title's creator, editor, and contributor had something else in mind. Josh Fialkov ("Fialkov" - isn't that some sort of sex act or dirty word?) wrote a story that contained a good number of "colorful" terms and sayings and he shared it with me before it went to print. To be honest, I didn't think that the story needed to use as much language as he did. But, like any true writer worth their weight in rejection slips he stood his ground and educated me on why not only did they work but why they were needed. To be honest, I really could rebut any of his claims. The way he wrote the story it worked - it just wasn't the way I would've written it.

"And that brings me to the short prose piece that Steve Niles invited me to write for 30 Days of Night that would appear in the back of IDW Publishing titles. Now, Niles has been known to drop an F-bomb or two in his stories - and they fit. They work within the story. I asked Niles if I could use "blue language". His reply - "Fuck yes." So in addition to creating a creepy and entertaining vampire tale, I had another mission in mind - to "out fuck" Steve Niles. But I wasn't looking to throw in as many F-bombs in the story as I could just for the hell of it. (Okay, I was a little bit.) So, I created a story in which all of the "fuckity-fuck-fucks" would fit. The two characters in the story were created more or less around the word fuck. The situation warranted these two types of characters to swing the f-word around like a blindfolded eight-year old trying to smash apart a papier-mâché Spoongebob Squarepants piñata filled with enough candy to induce a two-week sugar-coma. I dropped a total of twenty-six F-bombs in a story that came in just under 3,000 words - that's one eff'ed up ratio.

"Now I've come to the realization that I need to go and write a story that needs more violence, sex and even cussing. I've got some pent up aggressions that need to be released. Because we all know why we become comic book writers, right? For the fucking sex and violence!

"On a side-note... After becoming an editor with IDW Publishing Josh Fialkov submitted a vampire short story laden with F-bombs. As I read the read the story for the first time I thought "That fucking prick! He's trying to out-fuck me out-fucking Niles. He's throwing so many fucking fucks in this fucking story just to out fucking fuck me over. Well, that ain't fucking going to happen. If that fucker thinks he can fucking out-fuck me then that fucker has another fucking thing coming. I fucking swear if that fucker's got twenty-seven fucking fucks in this fucking story I'll do some fucking editing and fucking cut two of those fucks out so he only has twenty-five fucking fucks in the fucking story. I am the fucking editor after-fucking-all." Well, Josh only had twenty-four F-bombs in his story and we ran it with out cutting anything. Lucky fucking bastard.

"On a second side-note... This piece contains thirty-six fucks. Scratch that. Make it thirty-seven."

The column doesn't end there, though - head on over to the The Big Pond forum at the Scryptic Forums and add your opinion to the Pond! Join the collective column and talk writing with myself, this week's contributors and the rest of the Scryptic writers.

My thanks to Andrew and Dan for all their fucking help. Especially Dabb, who reluctantly took the time from obsessively and sweatily cataloging his porn collection in autobiographic order. Well over thirty thousand tapes. Twice.

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Neil Kleid won the Xeric grant for NINETY CANDLES, an experimental graphic novella, and his first graphic novel, BROWNSVILLE, (with artist Jake Allen) debuts from NBM Publishing in 2006. He is currently writing URSA MINORS!, a four issue comedy mini-series for Slave Labor Graphics. A graphic designer by day, Neil harbors notions of writing full time. Weep for him.

Andrew Dabb's past credits include HAPPYDALE: DEVILS IN THE DESERT from DC/Vertigo and GHOSTBUSTERS: LEGION from 88 MPH Studios. He is currently scripting MEGACITY909 and MU for Studio Ice, ATOMIKA for Mercury Comics, VAISTRON for Slave Labor Graphics, GI JOE: SIGMA SIX for Devil's Due Publishing, and a lot of other stuff.

Dan Taylor is the writer and creator of HERO HAPPY HOUR (published by Geekpunk - the critically acclaimed and fan-favorite humor title about superheroes... You guessed it "hanging out in a bar." Dan has also contributed to the debut issue of WESTERN TALES OF TERROR(Hoarse & Buggy Productions) and a couple of issues of DIGITAL WEBBING PRESENTS. Currently he is serving as Editor with IDW Publishing and should be referred to "Mr. Taylor" with your submission pitches (and, don't forget to throw some extra goodies in with that submission - wink, wink).